A fake existance...

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A fake existance...

Post by shinigami_kris on 15.06.14 7:21

So it's been about 6 months since separating from a 10 year relationship and I still feel so fucking lonely... I don't know what to do with myself. I thought I was on the right path for a while (self improvement and trying to be more "selfish" with what I want) but I have recently deviated from that path and the pain has come back 10 fold. I hardly sleep. I stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning every night.

The thing is we argue so much when together that I resent her and most of the time hate her. I know we can never work but I still miss her so much. I honestly felt like she was my soul mate and fear that I will never find someone that understands me like she did again. I feel like I've been ripped apart. Like something is missing from me.

How do you move forward from this? How do you continue to live your live? How do you make the pain go away? She has a boyfriend now and it irritates me so much. He is a drunk and spends all his money on booze. He's racist and a sexist pig.

I'm trying to do what's best for myself. But each day I keep saying and believing more and more, what is the point? What is the point to our existence? Are we here for a reason? Or is everything random? What's the point of even getting up?

I have my 2 daughters the majority of the time and having to be their rock during the separation is really taking its toll on me. I'm sick of having to hide how I'm really feeling and putting on a fake smile all the time. I feel like I'm living behind a mask of false happiness. What do I do when this mask finally decays and falls off? I can't let them see me like that.

I feel like everything is fake. Like when I walk around and look at everything it all looks fake. Fake buildings, fake people going to their fake jobs so they can spend fake money on fake possessions. None of this means anything. Are we even real? Is there any way to even prove our existence? I feel like I'm living a real life dream that I can't wake myself up from.

Where do I go from here?

Thanks for listening or should I say reading?...
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Dai_Moon on 15.06.14 8:35

shinigami_kris, I feel for you. I haven't been in your shoes but I've had my own pain and have asked the same questions.
Some points I learnt was, stop pretending. Show the people around you how you really feel.
And as for me, I let everything fall apart. And I built upon what I stood up for, what I believed in. It wasn't an easy path but it was a choice. A choice to create my own existence, my own life.

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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Maxx on 15.06.14 8:39

You are out of balance.  We are here to experience all kinds of emotions and take control and overcome the ill feelings and retain the ones we want to keep.  Dwelling on the ones that are negative reinforces those and enables them to continue every day.  By detaching your real self from that you can step back and view the emotion as being separate if you acknowledge it as such.  Wake up and move into other positive vibrations.

You will not advance into another phase until you can overcome this emotion.
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Demonia on 15.06.14 9:05

shinigami_kris wrote:
The thing is we argue so much when together that I resent her and most of the time hate her. I know we can never work but I still miss her so much. I honestly felt like she was my soul mate and fear that I will never find someone that understands me like she did again. I feel like I've been ripped apart. Like something is missing from me.

How do you move forward from this? How do you continue to live your live? How do you make the pain go away?

i have been through this as well. it takes a while man... my ex fiance went away to his home country and knocked up some 30 year old already married woman. it still bothers me sometimes.

some advice: similar to what victor said, detach yourself. move to a new town, hell, move to a new state (I did this). remind yourself, that, she is not the person you fell in love with (took me 5 years to tell myself that, but it is true). that person was gone as soon as the arguments started. there is no turning around and fixing things. trust me. if they truly cared about you, you wouldn't be in this situation.
it took me forever to overcome my own painful separation, getting over all i had sacrificed and all i had endured to try and be with them-- they are not the same person you fell in love with. it is but a fleeting memory, one that you shouldn't access until you're on your death bed. even then, just put it at the back of your mind.
your children need love, and if she isn't there to give it to them, then your love is all they'll ever need.
dont go to those places you once frequented, thats just murdersuicide. find a new place. a place you might like, that, you know your significant other would never go to. do things they might've not let you do. praise yourself for being the stronger person, and praise yourself for letting go.
but really it takes time. and learn from the experience. I sure as hell did and now have a loving boyfriend who would take a bullet for me
good luck <3
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@ShinigamiKris

Post by Ashling on 15.06.14 9:53

Wow that's a long relationship.
I resonate with the loneliness. I've been there and still linger at times with not knowing what to do with the self. I try and you should try to focus on things you're passionate about.
I think there's never enough time for self improvement.
There can be too little and too much time to selfishness.
It seems you stay up until the witching hours.
Try researching things to help you sleep. Do you drink tea?
Try a ritual bath before bed. Exercise before bed. Sometimes the emotionals of the mind, heart, body can intrude with balance. Where insomnia takes over.
I was in a similar place. Heaps of years ago I met someone I'm pretty sure was my twin-flame (soul-mate, half of my soul, me in another body, other side of the coin, etc).
I've moved forward by focusing on me.
The pain/pang never has fully gone away for me.
There is moments that suppress it though.
I feel bad for your ex. If all thats true about her new companion. He doesn't sound proper.
I feel like there is and isnt a point with life. The point is experiencing.
Creating, etc. I think you need to find something that brings healing into your life.
Be it a hobby or a new companion. Or both. Congrats on still trying to be there for your daughters. I don't think you should need to hide how you feel all the time.
Why can't you let them see how you feel partly?
I get that feeling of everything being a hologram.
Thank you for sharing. Stay strong.
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Kalb on 15.06.14 10:34

Love is only for the Warriors. If both don't fight for them, it's impossible triumph. Maintain a lifelong relationship is complicated and complex. Most of humanity ends up stagnating and not understand the purpose of Union.

Unfortunately, humanity speaks of love and does not understand it, pretends to love and do not realize how to accept someone different in their life.

To you, I wish all the best forces.
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Post by Ashling on 15.06.14 13:42

Kalb wrote:Love is only for the Warriors. If both don't fight for them, it's impossible triumph. Maintaining a lifelong relationship is complicated and complex. Most of humanity ends up stagnating and not understanding the purpose of Union. Unfortunately, humanity speaks of love and does not understand it, pretends to love and do not realize how to accept someone different in their life. To you, I wish all the best forces.

Indeed relationships take work. For there tends to be ups and downs. Most give up when it gets hard. Most move way too fast in this day and age. On a metaphysical level I can be down with that. On a mundane level. I'm all hell no.
May the force be with you also Kalb.
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by shinigami_kris on 15.06.14 18:07

Thank you everyone for your advice. I will try to take on board all of this. I'm too tired right now to write a proper response so ill just leave it at that for now.
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Rhea Kaye on 15.06.14 23:02

I understand the way you feel OP, although I haven't experienced things in quite the same way. I'd offer advice but I think Kalb already covered it quite well Smile What I will say is that "waking up" to the possibility of other things can leave a lot of possibilities for depression open... at least, as far as my experience goes. Sometimes I feel like my identity, my Self, has only been a construct. Like a fake cardboard cutout of me, ready to fall over. Because what sort of identity can truly stick when it was formed out of other people's opinions of me, and worldly interests? (How does my music preference matter in the long run, when it comes to ascension?)
Anyway, all that aside, I wish you luck in overcoming the painful emotions.
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by shinigami_kris on 16.06.14 7:26

The more and more I look inside myself and my eyes open up to the harsh reality of how we as a human race live our lives, the more depressed I get. People will ditch you the moment they think you could be a liability. Which to me, feels like a very satanic thing to do but these same people would be disgusted in you if you told them you practiced that religion.

People are full of double standards and selfishness. I feel I am a very caring and empathetic person and usually if not always put other people before myself. This is a good way to be right? To care for others and have the ability to empathize for others? Wrong... This will only make you come last.

So should I embrace my narcissistic side? I mean everyone else does right? I really don't like this side. It kind of scares me. Doesn't feel like me but it does if you know what I mean...

Choices, experiences, emotions... I feel we have been given them as a giant fuck you to the human kind. Here's everything you need to survive but oh also take this other stuff too just so your survival can be either as happy or unhappy as it can be. I'll just sit back and laugh...

Every other animal survives without it? Why do we need it? Hmm. So maybe yea, you have to detach the negative from yourself but that negative helps form who you are. So we learn from it right? And we move on and then the negative has turned into a positive and formed a part of you in a good way. But what for? What is the point? We all end up in the fucking ground rotting anyway.

It's hard for me to believe there is an afterlife. Unless, and this seems like the most plausible to me, we are merely dreaming and when we die we really wake up. If that's the case though. Why not just die right now?
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Maxx on 16.06.14 7:43

So you actively pursue Satanism and in your view there is no afterlife? So what is the point in pursuing Satanism if it will take you to nothingness?  In Satanism you say there is nothing at the end of the track.   You need to get on a new train and seek a new destination.  At least you will have a purpose at that point to seek out.  Depression is having no place to continue so there is no reason to find new methods of living.  If there is nothing, why still keep flopping around?
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by shinigami_kris on 16.06.14 8:09

I don't practice Satanism at all. It was just an example to show a double standard.
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by shinigami_kris on 16.06.14 8:30

I get what you mean. You're saying if there's nothing after death then why not make the most of your life and not just sit around and hate everything?

I go through periods of being completely flat and pissed off to absolutely loving myself and thinking I can do whatever I want and take what I want from the world.

I'm extremely confused about what I want from this life. And I'm very tired as well. All the time.
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Demonia on 16.06.14 8:47

have you ever tried astral projecting / having an out of body experience?

if there's nothing in this dimension, perhaps being able to fly and do as you wish in lower vibrations is a cure to let you know that theres more to life than other people and material things? it's a really cool experience

I found clarity through spirituality and continuing to practice energywork. maybe learn of some of your past lives? you could be repeating an old mistake you are meant to overcome

or go find a peaceful forest. you can always find peace in nature..
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by shinigami_kris on 16.06.14 9:02

I did have an experience when I was younger that lead me to believe it was an OBE. I can't say for certain though as it was most likely my imagination. A very vivid imagination though but it did feel somewhat different. I used to be right into meditation for ages but as I've gotten older and my experiences worse I've lost myself somewhere along the way.

I like to think of myself as non materialistic but I am as most people are. I like the idea of trying to find something satisfying in a different realm. What about the physical realm though? We still have to live in it... And it's full of people and material possessions that are quite easy to get caught up in.

My head is all over the place at the moment.

Thanks for bringing up the astral projecting. I really want to get back into this, if not just for an escape.

I'm really thankful for everyone on this forum. There is no way I could tell anyone I know this stuff...
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Maxx on 16.06.14 9:16

Begin as the gate opens...the race is for the rest of this life.  You have the time.
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Rhea Kaye on 16.06.14 9:19

I've been told I'm an intelligent person but Maxx... this one sentence you left I need to chew on for a bit. Are you a walking book of poems? Wink
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Maxx on 16.06.14 9:58

the village idiot.
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by shinigami_kris on 16.06.14 16:01

Maxx wrote:Begin as the gate opens...the race is for the rest of this life.  You have the time.

I get this but the village idiot thing I do not...
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Demonia on 16.06.14 19:08

he was being sarcastic in his reply lol
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Maxx on 16.06.14 20:05

I took the title away from the Village Idiot.  He went off the college.
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Dai_Moon on 16.06.14 20:56

@Maxx So no college for you as of yet? Wink

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Re: A fake existance...

Post by shinigami_kris on 16.06.14 21:01

I have no idea what you two are talking about...
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Re: A fake existance...

Post by Dai_Moon on 16.06.14 21:05

sorry shinigami_kris... previous post thing.
how are you today?

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Re: A fake existance...

Post by shinigami_kris on 17.06.14 1:45

That's ok. Feeling a lot better today. Helped to just dump all that shit out there Smile I think I am ready to move forward now. No point on dwelling on things you can't change. Better to focus on the things you can.

But like I said. My mood fluctuates a lot so who knows. Haha.
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