The journey continues

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The journey continues

Post by Rhea Kaye on 30.06.14 0:59

Once again I find myself noticing more changes from reading the Asetian Bible...
They are the same as I've already posted, only the feelings are compounding. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be around other people. I can easily step back and objectively look at their feelings in social situations and get a very good idea of their emotions and causes. However, this new sense of disgust is emerging. I understand that people in general are not bad, and that I'm no better than they are. But I just sort of wrinkle my nose at the thought of social interaction- more so than ever before. I feel like something might be wrong with me--I feel mentally stable but in a weird alternate reality at the same time. The world around me keeps telling me that I should go out and have this life with all these friends and people... but I really don't care for other people. It takes an extremely special person for me to become interested by their company. Otherwise I'd rather be wrapped up in my own thoughts. I'm incapable of sitting around and getting excited by talking about the latest, hot male movie star or the newest film that came out. (Which makes it nearly impossible to socialize with people who aren't twenty years older than me.)

I smile at people, I wish them good luck on various aspects of their lives, and I can interact with them well, when I want to. But deep down, I'm realizing the truth- that almost one hundred percent of the time, I don't really mean it.
So I feel like I'm walking this thin line between living "correctly" in this world and what I really am. (I still don't know what I really am.) I feel like I'm deceiving everyone, including myself.

This post isn't intended to come off as whiny, or from a source seeking validation. I'm genuinely confused.

Opening up my mind has made me realize just how much of my life was ritual. How much was programmed... Everything feels scripted, almost. So it has brought about a deep depression... I realize that everything that once gave me comfort lacks depth.

For example, my partner wants desperately to have children. I wouldn't mind it, someday, when I'm ready. But why should that be the top goal of one's entire life? I feel like an alien. The thought of having children is nice and all, but it feels mundane to think that procreation would be the epitome of my entire life.
It is, to most people, though. Most people seem to want nothing more than to find a nice house and settle down with their nice spouses and nice cars and nice jobs, and have nice children. I could even go with this... I have, actually, gone along with this plan so far. Sometimes I wonder if these drives aren't just to carry the species along, and if we are slaves to them. I feel like I'm wearing blinders.

The subject of the occult is obviously fascinating to me, but I think I'm stuck looking at it from a distance... as a bystander. I have so many roadblocks inside of my head that I have no idea how to deal with them all. I fully understand that this is my own journey and that no one will undertake it for me, but I'm still disoriented.

Anyway, sorry for the length of the post and I hope I didn't offend anyone (it isn't exactly informative). I just hope I'm not going crazy and that there's a chance I will actually become enlightened some day...
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Re: The journey continues

Post by Stapleraindrop on 30.06.14 10:28

I think there's something in the Book of Orion about the initiate passing the veils of understanding and seeing through the physical illusions. people seem to look a lot different after you can see through them.
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Re: The journey continues

Post by Rhea Kaye on 30.06.14 21:15

That's exactly what I'm thinking...
I have so many more thoughts racing through my head. When I interact with people, they seem different now. I can see through a lot of things they say... when do they genuinely mean nice things? So often, it seems to merely be conditioned into us. Be nice, so you'll be socially accepted... so you can get ahead in life... so you can get physical possessions and an animal-like sense of security. So when someone is friendly to me and I can see past it, I feel a lot more lonely. Like I'm not human or something. I also hesitate to make friendships with others because it takes significant effort for me to be sociable. And the things people commonly bond over are not interesting to me at all....

The loneliness compounds when I realize my partner can easily make friendships over trivial things like sports and favorite players, etc., without much effort. I'm feeling more and more empty every day. Like my previous comforts and areas where I got joy mean less, sustain me less.

Now, I'm looking at what everyone (including myself) is doing and asking, how is this going to help along the path of spiritual evolution? When I realized that very little of it matters in the long run, I felt like like a moon without a planet.
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Re: The journey continues

Post by Maxx on 30.06.14 22:12

Have you ever considered the only way you will ever be happy is to do what makes you happy instead of trying to be a part of everyone else?
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Re: The journey continues

Post by Rhea Kaye on 30.06.14 22:20

Yes I have... I am trying... In some ways I feel that the bond I have with my SO is keeping me rooted in the way of thinking though...
I'm trying every day, and growing. Hopefully, with time I will evolve enough to simply not care about what anyone thinks.
More meditation is in order Smile
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Re: The journey continues

Post by Demonia on 01.07.14 9:12

sometimes significant others won't be at the same level of understanding spirituality wise as you are
this has always been the case for me
what I've done is just try to lightly talk about the subject- if they really love/care about you, you'd be surprized at what they're willing to accept for you. they might not do anything themselves but will atleast be glad that you are doing something that makes you happy.
in the past I also had boyfriends who would just laugh and "okayyy". I am not with them now though, for many reasons, that reason included. your life will take you on a journey- it will let you know if you are to be with them or not- if they are the best for you or not- physically, mentally, and spiritually. just go with the flow. and you don't even need to try and introduce specifics like the asetian bible or anything of the sort. just talk about energy, or albert eistein/nikola tesla. they are people that are widely recognized who understand everything about energy manipulation, in ways deliverable to the public that dont even mention occult or witchcraft.
blessings <3
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Re: The journey continues

Post by Stapleraindrop on 01.07.14 9:21

Personally, If i really need/want someone "in' on energy with me, I just kind of... show? (idk) them. There are definitely things you can do to exceed the human form of mouth-mouth communication.
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Re: The journey continues

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