Signs of Growing Up

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Signs of Growing Up

Post by Daniel09 on 24.12.09 22:23

So, I've been involved with Asetianism for some time now. Longer than most anything except perhaps my growing interest in Ancient Egypt.
When I first began here, I was clouded, obsessed with a girl I didn't even know, and seeking answers I couldn't possibly find the way I was going about. I still recall my first post here, feeling like I had some inkling of the love and dedication a Guardian feels. I know now that I was surely under a spell many humans fall victim to. She was much more talented in metaphysics than I, and I think even manipulated me unconsciously. It has forced me to grow as well, though I don't think I could ever be a master of the art of magick, I have gained a grasp on it that is stronger than most people I know.

I still don't know what I am. I have accepted that I may be Asetian or Otherkin, or even a very... well off human. I know for a fact that I share mental traits with Autistic people, similar to Aspergers. That alone could mean that I am merely a human who can see things in a way that allows me to connect with things such as the Asetian Bible. The traits I share with Autistics is my mental processing, which is completely different than any person I've talked with, and the only Autistic I know doesn't have the speech capacity to understand my questions. I think in imagery, but I am flexible enough with it, that it has allowed me to grasp words easily.

But the reason I made this post, more like an emotional outlet really, is because today as I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw how much of a child I was. Here I've had aspirations and ego that were high as anything. I had the childish urge to feel like I was extremely special in some way, which naturally I am, just because I am abnormal, and it is simply a fact. But as I looked at myself, I felt dwarfed by those around me like Luis Marques, who will probably know more, feel more, and be more than I ever could be. I think I may literally only dream of being a member of his family.

I've grown to not edit what I say here either, however stupid that makes some of my blitherings look. I am as true to all of you here as I am with myself, as I have nothing to hide. For instance, much time ago, while looking at nothing in particular, I noticed that the veins on my right hand portrayed a curious formation. Studying them, drawing them, I found that they were quite different from other peoples' hands. I've seen a lot, and no one has anything like it. My left hand is normal. I mean, the veins on the wrist of that hand stick out in a simplistic formation of an oval on a stick with two arcs on the edges, but that is a common thing to have veins of that shape. Just about every person has something similar, though my right wrist's veins are differently placed, that is also expected. My hand though, is very different, and the thing that sticks ou the most is how much in the shape of the Asetian sigil it is. I considered it near definite proof to myself that I might be Asetian, but I always hold the possibility of random form. I dare not believe myself important, though I don't know why I hold this stagnation. It is some driving force in my mind that refuses to allow me to believe that I am some special ancient vampire. I'm sure the half of my mind that believes it wants you all to say it's true, to have validation in it's belief, but that's what every wanna-be vampire does. It's excessively childish, especially in a personal self-discovery phase like I'm going through.

So, once again, another heartfelt message of how I am doing, mentally, emotionally... I'm whole, but I feel like I'm falling apart, if that makes sense. I have the opportunity for physical involvement with another man, but I am worried that I will taint myself in some way. I have so many things running through my head. My Solstice dream is so imposed, I am reminded of the message I was given, clear as day. "he will kill you." Who is he? How will he kill me? What should I do? It's for me to find out, I'm certain. I will call off my involvement with this guy though. I don't know what it is, but this happened last time I was about to become sexually involved. Without reason I became repulsed. It has to be spiritual, I think. The world is round, revolving straight, a line passes through it, white like lightning, I zoom into a spot, past some clouds, there's a building, a person walks out of it, he's wearing a raincoat type of overcoat, it's dark colored, he has a hat, his shoes are made of fancy material, and the cobblestones they are hitting are wet with fresh rain. His eyes know I was looking.... These are the strange thoughts that enter my imagination. I see them like an uncontrollable vision. I can control where I direct my attention, but I can't control what is shown to me. I know not what it means. I'm tired, I'm just going to go to sleep with this post finished, more like a stupid blog I shouldn't be posting in the first place. Sorry if I've made myself out a lunatic. If you read this, know I think you're an amazing being, for being there, hearing my madness. I can't imagine what it must be like, alone, screaming in the dark, with naught a soul but your own to consult. Yet I can, at the same time... I'll sleep now. Merry Christmas.
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Re: Signs of Growing Up

Post by ElizabethBathory on 24.12.09 23:59

That was a beautiful self-reflection piece. It's easy to identify with you because of the fact that you are so honest.

There's a quote I saved from Luis Marquis, "You don't find Truth, but Truth finds you." You think that you're finding all of this info out, but you're not, it's finding you.
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Re: Signs of Growing Up

Post by Jonathan on 25.12.09 4:22

This was an amazing post, Daniel. It takes courage, sincerity and yes, maturity, to say some of the things you said and reach such conclusions. Just like you, I am here for a long time, and I have had the chance to see you change and to see you grow. This has been quite clear, in many of your posts. You have had your downfalls but you always manage to learn from them and to grow from your mistakes. It is very interesting to watch.
Let me just thank you for being honest and so open here with all of us, after all, those are the gestures that make this a special community and that strengthens the bonds between its users. Merry Christmas to you as well. Smile
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Re: Signs of Growing Up

Post by Syrianeh on 25.12.09 5:01

Happy holidays to you, Daniel. That was indeed a wonderful post. Congratulations on being so honest with yourself, that is clearly a sign that you have evolved and will continue to do so.

I believe we have all somehow changed and seen our changes reflected on this Forum. Myself included, of course. It makes me very glad to see that. This is no doubt a very, very special community in all senses.

Happy holidays to you too.
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Re: Signs of Growing Up

Post by godofbattle on 25.12.09 11:02

ElizabethBathory wrote:That was a beautiful self-reflection piece. It's easy to identify with you because of the fact that you are so honest.

There's a quote I saved from Luis Marquis, "You don't find Truth, but Truth finds you." You think that you're finding all of this info out, but you're not, it's finding you.
I love that quote. it holds such a deep truth
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Re: Signs of Growing Up

Post by Vertigo on 26.12.09 13:25

Sounds like the phase I myself is going through.

Its very nice of you to share such personal thoughts with this community.
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Re: Signs of Growing Up

Post by ElizabethBathory on 26.12.09 13:29

From watching your video on YouTube, I'm fairly sure you are a vampire. Don't take offense to this cause I'm just using it to make a point, but I don't find you physically attractive, yet your energy is magnetic, powerful and very sexual.
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Re: Signs of Growing Up

Post by Daniel09 on 26.12.09 13:55

Thanks, I guess.
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Re: Signs of Growing Up

Post by Vertigo on 26.12.09 13:57

ElizabethBathory wrote:From watching your video on YouTube, I'm fairly sure you are a vampire. Don't take offense to this cause I'm just using it to make a point, but I don't find you physically attractive, yet your energy is magnetic, powerful and very sexual.

Ive been skimming through youtube to find anything with Daniel09 and Aset(ian, ianism, Ka) but found nothing, could I have a link?
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Re: Signs of Growing Up

Post by Daniel09 on 26.12.09 14:25

I don't have any videos related to Vampirism or with the username Daniel09. They are basically my attempts at random video-making. My most recent on my Daniel092004 channel is a bit where I made pies, and on my dannybrendan channel I just finished a silly video of a lip-sync to a song by a Youtuber I like a lot.
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