Comedy at its Magical Best

The Best Form of Psychic Defense is

From the Saturday Night Magical Comedy Theater's Pop Quiz for Magicians (Humor—its humor) (by special request with new additions)

THE BEST FORM OF PSYCHIC DEFENSE IS

When attacked, try drawing pentagrams in the air pronouncing all the best holy names you can think of. This will cause any evil spirit to immediately collapse from laughter or else think it has wandered into the Comedy Store in Hollywood.

Stop it! You are confusing the devout. The Official Guide to Franz Bardon’s Practices clearly states “In order to draw pentagrams successfully in the air you must 1. Imagine that the hand that is drawing them is actually the hand of some divine being such as God; 2. You must draw the pentagram on all three planes simultaneously—the mental, astral, and physical; and 3. The pentagram must act as a summary of all of your experiences with the four elements and their integration in the akasha.

“I highly suggest each individual have a least a basic training in hermetics and what has been especially helpful to me is casting a circle everyday LBRP and LbrH.”

What is LBRP and LBRH again?

Lessor Banishing Ritual of the Pentegram/Hexagram. And then always ask what the spirit’s true name is and don’t settle for half-baked answers.  

Okay. But what about divine names?

Sure, whatever works for you. But follow Bardon’s rule—you have to convince yourself that you are the divine being whose name you are naming or else no demon will you be taming.

Consider the movie The Mummy in which the thief holds up a Star of David and speaks in Hebrew and the Mummy says, “The language of the slaves.” You never know. Maybe a pentagram will make the spirit stop and think of some other reason for not bothering you.

Try running a copper wire around your bed and, when your wife is not around to complain about the floor damage, attach it to a dagger, and then stab it into the beautiful varnished wooden floor beneath your bed.

Put your hand into a bucket of water to drain away any negativity. Only works with fiery magical attacks.
Place little mirrors surrounded by the eight trigrams of the I-Ching above some of the windows in your house. Only works for those who are part Oriental, I mean, part Asian.

Magically charge each day a psychic “Do Not Disturb” sign you hang in the air outside your house. That is, visualize a sphere of white light on the ground around your house and with a commanding voice say, “The circle represents the harmony and law of the universe. Nothing may cross that is not in accord with that harmony.”

Just say the word “clear” also with a commanding voice (that is a voice that nothing in heaven or earth dare oppose) and your house will be clear.

Like Crowley, project your mind inside the negative spirit or entity until that being falls over dead from the vibration of cocaine you have flowing through your blood stream.

Repeat the Buddhist mantra, “There is no attacker, no attack occurring, no one being attacked, and nothing to attack with.” Or, alternately, read aloud the Heart Sutra or, if you are Jewish or Christian, Psalm 90. Psalm 90 is specially good for working with shape shifters. Then the bad energy is like a torpedo—unable to find its target it returns and attacks whoever sent it.
Stand in the center of your magic circle joining yourself to God. Any being, positive or negative, will then be forced to serve your will.

No, stand in the center of an imagined circle and simply say “I am joined to God.” This thought contains an exquisite combination of golden and white light oscillations, a faint yet truly beautiful echo of a thousand heavenly choirs singing, an instant transfusion of waves of bliss from the akashic records of a hundred saints in sublime meditation, and also a resonating hum as your thought returns to you because it gets scared of approaching any closer to the unmanifest.

Don’t be silly. A little more devotion please—simply say aloud, “I love you God” and any demon will immediately flee thinking that you and God are friends.

No. No. No. No. If history teaches us anything it is that it is not always good to be God’s friend. You might find your entire life getting used up for fulfilling God’s ends.

Nonsense. Even demons give special treatment and even willingly serve those who are on divine missions.

Say what?  

In a pinch, consider threatening to stab any negative being or energy with your magic dagger or trident.

Try hiring whoever is attacking you to defend you against some other real or imagined enemy. The bad guys will be so honored to be recognized in this way they will now consider you a friend.

That is, be sure to always have some magical job you need done. So if a demon shows up—I mean you never know as in “Speak the name of the devil and the devil appears.” In which case the demon will want to know why it has been called and then you can just casually say what you want done and the demon will respond, “Oh that. Yes that is doable. Might I suggest as an alternative ….” See. You already have a working relationship.
 Similarly, someone about to attack or assault you on the street? Same idea. Before they hit you or draw a gun or knife say to them straight out—“I want to hire you for a job.” The criminal mind loves that—being useful and productive as long as they feel they are doing something bad at the same time.  

With a loud, authoritative, and persuasive voice, explain to the negative entity that it is just so unfair the way its master has enslaved and abused it in the past. Then with a commanding voice send it back to attack whoever sent it. (Max Freedom Long)

Practice entering a timeless and spaceless state of awareness by imagining a dark, ultraviolet light emanating from every pour of your body and going throughout the universe. Then identity with every particle of light you have emitted. Alternately, simply “zap” any negative being when it comes around with this dark, ultraviolet light which you send from your hands. The technical name for this is “magical pepper spray.”
  What do demons hate most? Having hell scared out of them. Therefore simply say, “I give you your freedom.” They will run from you as fast as they can. Only works with lower astral entities.

Or alternately use shiny black light, and timeless and spaceless void. You are then in your awareness the source from which everything that exists arises. See also the cosmic letter U or void as a Kabalistic version of this: http://williammistele.com/perfectionofwisdom.pdf (Good also for overthrowing evil dictators. How many can I count on my fingers? One, two, three, four, five, six and counting.  

Alternately, imagine you are the inner source of inspiration of whatever spirit or demon or being that you consider to be a problem or have to deal with. As its inner source of inspiration you automatically speak to it with the voice at the core of its being. Hard to resist that.
 Where do you get this kind of imagination of inner inspiration? Try asking for it until you get it. Angels and archangels hate it when someone nags them. They are by their oaths of office compelled to answer prayers made without ceasing.    

Or in a pinch, from Buddhist traditions, visualize every conceivable thing the demon/bad guy wants and that he has it already right now in this moment. This is based on a little known magical rule—“All spiritual beings must accepted visualized images as the real thing.”

The Last Unicorn (the novel/movie)—when Harpies are racing about killing everything in sight or just bad energy or beings are on the loose, just act normal. Archetypes respond to strong emotions like fear, anxiety, hysteria, terror, etc. So do the opposite. Act like everything is completely normal. Quietly walk away or do whatever your daily routine is as if absolutely nothing unusual is going on.
It is another little known spiritual rule that being stubborn and just getting on with your own life trumps over the influence of malice, evil wills, and bad magic. Put that on your wall if you are haunted by ghosts and past bad acts. (Note: the exception to this rule is if you have the kind of aura that spirits love to materialize within. In this case, be sure to cover up all the mirrors in your house because spirits have been known to come out of the mirrors at night and move things about. These are not necessarily bad spirits. They can be simply neutral. But around you even the dead feel as if they live again.)

The most effective method known to man is to drag whatever is opposing you out to the sphere of Saturn and meditate together in that vibration. Saturn governs all negative and positive spirits in this solar system. Here you will attain absolute enlightenment because it is the annihilation of all form attachment.
 The Chief Judge of Saturn: “Think not that I am cold and harsh. With more passion than any virgin on earth I give all of myself to those who join with me.”

Every student, of course, will want a copy next to his bed of the textbook, One Hundred and One Ways to Defend Against Psychic Attacks.” This text is 30% off at the Magic University Bookstore.

For mermaids, imagine freezing cold water or icebergs around yourself since your vibration easily reproduces those sensations. Comes highly recommended. Humans have never experienced elemental water in its primordial vibration. This you possess. Use it.  

Testimonial regarding psychic defense when physically threatened: “I basically imagined his knees becoming like butter and threw all of his equilibrium out. It's like I was controlling his chi. I didn't want to hurt him though. I just wanted him to go under and think a bit about the bad choices he was making in regards to the way he treats others. When he woke up he was apologizing left and right for the way he'd been acting.
 “I do the negativity-dialing-down thing a lot with my own visualizations and it's a great idea! I actually kind of use the same "equilibrium" concept but not necessarily for a physical effect. I kind of fill their heads with air and make them feel mentally like if they think about something too hard "they'll fly off into space." By doing this (temporarily) I've had people in front of me fighting verbally and physically and all of a sudden they'll both stop and be like "wait who are you and what are we doing again?"

With humans simply “see” their better self, the person they can become in the future, who they are meant to be. This totally throws people off because you have taken them out of the time frame of the present and like the Ghost of Christmas Future placed them in a situation of choice of how they want things to turn out.

What about faith in God? Sure. But faith is not belief as the good book says, or someone said, “Even the demons believe in God.” No. Faith is seeking to make the most of each situation you enter.” There is no cognitive content. It is not belief that connects you to God but faith as in the best case scenario that says “I stand in the presence of God and it is from this position that I do all that I do in life.” Let’s hear it for the Protestant Ethic—the only spiritual thing they actually do right is to have faith that God will bless them in all that they do. On the faith scorecard Protestants rank number one.

The Crowley thing again—genuine empathy. Imagine you are the entity bothering you.  Keep in mind the one rule that rules over all other rules in the universe—you are free to join with any other to fulfill the purposes of love. Determine that in this moment you and whatever opposes you exist only to fulfill the purposes of love and that there is no separation between you and the other—only oneness exists.
(Note: you cannot practice banishing rituals or even ritual magic if you are working on this practice. Oneness is Venus and Neptune. Banishing is Mercury and Mars. The exception is if you are accustomed to practicing extra planetary awareness. Then you can do anything you damn please.)

Mirror magic. More air than water with a little focusing thrown in. Make your mind a mirror so that you are perfectly detached from whatever appears before you mind or if you prefer your mind can be the sky and any disturbance is merely a little weather passing by.
 Now then what appears affects you in some way. Focus on this affect in terms of body sensations and open your body to it. Do not cling to it or flee from it. Allow it to transform and to flow into a new form or just to become a stream of energy. Dzogchin by one name. “The enlightened mind in play” in a phrase.
 Or, “Blessed are those who let go and flow as each moment unfolds, for they shall see through the eyes of God.” Seeing the world as it is is what it is to be enlightened. (Note: on the path to enlightenment you will inevitably meet Kama—the Lord of Love to whom has been given power over all the gods. Kama is also the Lord of Demons. And as such he confronted Buddha offering him his three daughters—heartbreak, longing, and desire. But Buddha, having no attachment to form and having identified with the void, declined the offer. If you want enlightenment the demons are free to drop by. Just remember, Buddha is friends with every being in the universe because he “sees” who each being really is without fear or attachment to blind his eyes. For Buddha, every being is myself in another form. Which is to say enlightenment is love in another form.      

Great injustice has been done to you. You have lost your kingdom and are stranded with your daughter on a lonely island. (Shakespeare’s The Tempest). You are permitted by the rules of Shakespearean England (by the queens implicit consent; after all she was patron to John Dee) to use a magic wand “to shipwreck” the perpetrators of your injustice on your island with you. Then you are permitted to evoke an elemental being— one should suffice—and have that being demand recompense from the wrongdoers. Don’t underestimate elemental magic. Finally, after regaining your kingdom you are required to throw away your wand and magic books of evocation. Again, under Elizabethan rules.  

You have made a pack with the devil or demon or the equivalent for example you have inherited very bad karmic due to family history. (Note—good, bad—it is all a relative term since everything serves a purpose and the worst might just be what it takes to produce the best).
 Rather than relinquish your soul, by Bardon lunar magic you are permitted to make a duplicate soul image of yourself—mostly astral in nature but some mental plane thrown in as well—to be turned over to the demon or karmic principle as “full payment” of your debt. I am not making this up.
 Alternately, you can simply practice the previous mentioned cosmic letter U on the mental plane which exists to “modify” karma since karma depends on causes and effects operating in space and time. The letter U is outside of space and time and so is free to intervene to alter fate as you wish. Some payment is required since Fate accepts only certain coins such as pure love, enlightenment, or commitment to fulfilling a divine mission. A little known spiritual rule is that divine missions trump all other karma on earth.
Now then if you wish to “swallow’ the karma of entire civilizations? That may take a number of life times. But hey? You got anything better to do with yourself? I mean really.    
 If you are patient regarding the selling of your soul or very bad karma thing, wait till the year 2034 when Acme Cloning, a subsidiary of Google Inc., will be able to clone an exact duplicate of yourself from DNA up to and including brain waves and an identical set of memories. For a fee, then, you can turn over this “other you” to a demon in place of yourself. The CDC is currently fast tracking cloning but the karmic consequences of creating a soul and then remitting it to the demon realm has not yet been well researched. Monsanto I believe has offered to do that research since they already are attuned to the mindset of demons and worse.    
 Alternately, instead of making an astral duplicate or physical cloned duplicate of yourself, depending on the precise terms of your demonic or karmic contract, you are always free to design in detail story boards or scenes and scripts you wish to enact that would in effect be a different you. In other words, you do not have to wait until you are dead to start a new beginning in a new life. You can begin right now be living a different life, being a different person, acting with a totally different inspiration and motivation. In this case, if you should write you play right, enter life with a new script to enact, then technically by the laws of karma you are a different being. This is a little known psychological and spiritual rule--you are free to step back from your life and assign yourself tasks to accomplish that are completely outside of the parameters of your present personality. Do this enough, act in ways that are another you, a you perhaps from an alternate reality, and the past dissolves with all its claims of guilt and self-defeating behavior.
Or as a man once said to Gandhi, "I am going to hell. I killed a Muslim child." And Gandhi replied, if my memory is accurate, "Go and find an orphan and raise him as if he is a Muslim. Then you will be free."
Or, Buddha was once in hell before becoming Buddha. And he saw someone suffering under a heavy load and offered to help him bear that load. But Buddha was immediately kicked out of hell and told to never come back. There can be no room in hell for a person acting with compassion. Or, as the quote says from both the Talmud and the Koran: "He who saves one man it is as if he has saved the entire world."      

In summary, life may be dark and confusing. But the prime director for human beings remains unchanged from the beginning—
  “Remake and create yourself so that you become the person you wish to be.”
  Are demons but angels in disguise? Is darkness but a place where light appears? Are sorrow and loss the path that leads to absolute freedom? Do separation and loneliness hold the keys that open the heart to experience oneness?
 Become who you are meant to be. Find and manifest that dream.

This is so much information in a single little article, to much for my tiny brain to handle xD but very nice, have to research it further.

One of the things that I can't comprehend is
"If you are patient regarding the selling of your soul or very bad karma thing, wait till the year 2034 when Acme Cloning, a subsidiary of Google Inc., will be able to clone an exact duplicate of you"

I stumble upon similar posts like that on FB and about cell phones and networks like that they interact with our energy and stuff how this can be used to manipulate us....and so on.
And I just don't understand that but would like to, and figure out if that is even true.
I come from a place where we still live alot like... traditional, 30 years behind the whole country xD I mean... we don't have cell service everywhere and we got cable internet like 10 years ago hahaha I didn't even use internet before that. I didn't even see the point of using internet if you have books hahahaha So it is hard for me to grasp this because it feels like yesterday I didn't even know what google is and tomorrow it will clone me? xD

I would like to research this subject further and if there are good sources, I would be glad to hear about them.

And of course would be very glad to hear your comments on this subject 😀

I am just sitting here and thinking about this and it makes me want to go live in a forrest and forget that humanity and internet exists xD

“Remake and create yourself so that you become the person you wish to be.”

This sentence is perfect.

I read the text. A lot to think about. Interesting to see that everything is true and nothing is true.

One "technique" is good for one, the other for the other. And one does not or should not invalidate the others. However, according to defending each point of view, it does.

I just found really interesting your text, as it covers, like, many many things related to different theories, techniques, religion, or whatever.

It is, again, a matter of what frequency you vibrate, what you know, what is your background to deal with the worl.

Waht interpretations do we make, according to the tools we possess? If "reality" is a matter of depending on your senses and previous knowledge to interpret it, then the way we react , also is.

They are just rethorical questions, that you made me think, while I was reading your text.

Nice way, with the comedy part, as I can feel it floating around your words.
The " in between the lines" caught my attention.

Also, what about those people that don't deal with this subject at all? Do they also suffer the attacks? They would not be able to defend themselves, since they do not know it. Would the attack existe, since they ignore it?

since like Einstein says : All that man ignores, does not exist for him.

Again, I found myself wondering.

Or as a man once said to Gandhi, "I am going to hell. I killed a Muslim child." And Gandhi replied, if my memory is accurate, "Go and find an orphan and raise him as if he is a Muslim. Then you will be free."

I went to find out more about what you mentioned LittleWanderer, and cam across a book that was talking about this.

What caught my attention was what the author said :

For someone in a living hell what gifts would be greater than a map with the scapes rout marked? ..

and he continues - they aren't new maps of hell.. they are new maps out of hell.

When he mentions this Gandhi passage, like telling the man about redemption.

the thing is here, just a random passge of a random site I just found.

https://books.google.com.br/books?id=m6eIq6ziMAwC&pg=PA11&lpg=PA11&dq=I+am+going+to+hell.+I+killed+a+Muslim+child&source=bl&ots=7cN0gUYycW&sig=3XNRu1qPGmPHPD2x3kBQ5S1xr4A&hl=pt-BR&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjH8NyUv5vWAhUGgZAKHSsBDkMQ6AEILDAB#v=onepage&q=I%20am%20going%20to%20hell.%20I%20killed%20a%20Muslim%20child&f=false

you caught the jest of my post exactly. good.

It came in a very good time, since today I had to make use of some things, as I was suffering from some energetical problems.